Ai Zho Pai Lang uhkay
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You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a
Heartless Bitch for dumping him."
I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women
must WANT to be treated like shit, because THEY, the "Nice Guy"
have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false
logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore,
all mammals live in the sea."
If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common
denominator is YOU. Think about it.
What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice
Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked
and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance
and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You
never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he
has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid
some kind of attention to him.
Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of
the world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just
looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice
Guys", stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to
their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so many Nice Guys complain
about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman
that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life...
Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be
too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.
Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together
for coffee" date. They try to buy her affections with presents and
fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing
is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too
fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around
pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow, someway, they
will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".
They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own
needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead
of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and
pedestals are narrow, confining places to be -- not to mention the
fact that we tend to fall off of them.
They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if
she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to
someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy,
because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person
inside, she will no longer love him.
Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think
it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of
responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her
if the decision was an unwise one.
Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely
state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that
any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship.
Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly "give in".
When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain
that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow
elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a
martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.
Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she
is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that "no
one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a
profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty
insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult person,
and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm
here."
The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the
object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will
overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is
that there are many people out there who can be a good match for
her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we
no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue...
But love isn't mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people
in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he
may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have
loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much
in the future. The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out
with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?"
More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She
is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a
burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for
YOUR happiness? Get a grip!
Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases.
They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and
personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice Guy
thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better,
more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of
accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for
all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the
results.
This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like
themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In order to
truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often
Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".
Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A
TURNOFF.
You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have
to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and
go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman
with whom a long-term relationship is possible.
Source
